Just wish he didn’t want to.

Open mouth, insert foot.

Next time something is bothering me, I’m just going to keep it to myself. Because really, this morning turned out to be a miserable morning.

I just need to learn to get over my own insecurities. I just wish that I was enough for him. And it runs the entire gamut – from being hot enough for him, to being a good enough housekeeper. At least one of those things are easy enough to fix. Just need to get off my lazy ass and do it.

I’m actually torn between him knowing about this journal and reading it, to me not wanting him to see what’s on my mind.

I love and trust my husband completely, yet I don’t want to open up completely and be vulnerable.

Squirmy, now five months (well, will be on the 2nd of November), is coming along beautifully. She’s a giggling, rolling little monster, in the most adorable way. She’s just so perfect. Then again, I am very bias. Still managing to breastfeed, which I am extremely proud of. Even though I had (still do) every intention of continuing for as long as possible, there has been times where I’ve wanted to throw in the towel.

And I’m feeling great. For the most part. Joined a gym, so as to regain my shape. I’ve lost all of my baby weight, but even so, I still feel incredibly unattractive. It is so frustrating. Before I got pregnant, and even during it, I was finally comfortable and confident with my body – even so much so that I thought I was hot. And now….well, now I feel the same way that I did when I was sixteen. Which is just to say that I have sero confidence in myself. And really, there is nothing attractive or sexy about that. What really gets to me, I’ll wake up in the morning, shower and actually put effort into my appearance, and leaving the bathroom, I feel great about myself. Then, not even 30 minutes later, due to something I’ve seen or heard, I feel like shit.

      And, as anyone would expect, things are completely different now. I’m not talking about the usual things, the things you know are going to change – less money, less time, ect. What surprises me the most about what has changed is me. To be honest, I am rather afraid. Hubby and I are fighting so much more now, and it’s all over stupid things, things that would normally just get forgotten. And while I know that every relationship needs fights, this has me worried. Fought tonight over my computer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, I could hazard a guess that it’s the fact that I’ve completely fallen behind on the housework and the apartment looks like shit, to be perfectly honest. And that stress is translating into fights about stupid mundane things. I mean I do try to balance everything, and it pisses me off that I can’t.

      As it was pointed out, women have been stay at home mothers, with the ability to balance childcare and housework,. and yet I seem to be completely useless at it. It’s rather frustrating.

      I feel like a right failure.

That being said, breastfeeding definitely comes with its own set of…hurdles to overcome. Like this afternoon (at the mall, no doubt), when Squirmy decided that she han’t had enough to eat first time around. Dutifully, I got out my receiving blanket, draped myself and happily feed her. (Okay, I am so lying here – there was nothing happy about this feeding. Squirmy kept unlatching herself, then complaining because she wasn’t done. I was a right mess fighting with the blanket, keeping some sort of decency and getting her to latch properly.) After all was said and done, and she had fallen asleep, I got up and went to place her in her stroller. Unfortunately, the way she had fallen asleep left me unable to fix myself befor getting up.

She chose that exact moment to wake up and yell at me for putting her down. There I was, one hand placing her back in the stroller and the other keeping my exposed breast from the world. It just was not working in my favour. Once I placed her down, I set out to untangle her hand from my hair when she decided to reach up and tug on the blanket that was covering me.

Needless to say, everyone in that food court got quite the look at my exposed boob.

Goodbye, modesty. We had a good run.

1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that your significant other does (did) not know about.]
      That would be my current relationship; six years.

2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?
      I’d assume that there’d be people there for me emotionally, however I haven’t a back up for physical comfort.

3. Can you be “just friends” with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?
      Yes. It’s not easiest thing by it can be done. I’ve had my fair share.     

4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that a significant other does (did) not know about.]
      I’ve emotionally cheated, but not physically. My last serious relationship told me that he had cheated on me, but I don’t know if that was simply said because he was trying to hurt me. And yes, I have been a third party to infidelity. Still am. It sucks.

5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?
      My last serious relationship, the arguments were caused by the fact that I was friends with the opposite sex. Very high school, very dramatic. Fights are a lot more mundane in this one; who does the dishes, who gets suck with the cat box. Silly things like that. And I love it lol.

Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?
      Support, unconditional love, trust. Someone I can act completely stupid around, yet somehow still be sexy to them.

I’ve been asked to do odder things.

2. The answer is ‘YES!’…what is the question?

“Babe, would you like me to do the housework for a change?”

3. The cops are banging on your door late at night. What are you thinking they are there for?

Perhaps there is a rabid animal out back.

4. Children learn what they live….so they say.. what would a child learn in your household?

That yelling and getting mad doesn’t solve anything. Patience is key, so is being honest & polite. That for every problem there is a solution. Vent if needed, but don’t complain too much; there are worst things to have to go through. And be grateful for what you do have, instead of unhappy about what you don’t.

5. Tell us about 1 family ritual your family does every year.

Hubby & I exchanging gifts on Christmas eve.

6. What is the favorite food that you would eat everyday 3 times a day if you could?

There’s really no food I could eat that often. Besides, that’s why a Roast Beef dinner it’s my favorite, because I don’t get to have it whenever I want.

7. Tell us about your fantasy.

Just to lead a happy, uneventful life with my family. I like the idea of coming home from work, knowing who will be there to greet me. Throw in a couple of great surprises (us getting pregnant, Hubby getting a better shift at work) and it’s perfection.

8. You are stranded on a deserted Island. You have plenty of food, a person to keep you company, shelter and life seems stress free. What do you tell the rescue ship when it arrives.?

I’m only leaving now if I’m promised I get to come back again once every year. 

1. What’s the longest time that you’ve waited to meet your date? Tell us when and what happened.
That would have to be waiting for my Husband. When we first had started dating, I had called him and invited him over. Waited about two hours until I just went to bed; turns out the poor man was sick and has passed out on his bed. He apologized profusely. Naturally, I hadn’t had any hard feeling towards him.
2. What’s the longest time that you’ve waited for a job interview? Tell us when and what happened.
Recently, while searching for a second job. I’m one who always gets to work & interviews at least 15 minutes early. Unfortunately, the interviewer didn’t feel the same way, so decided that he’d have lunch and make me wait. I mean the guy actually came down from his office to pick up food that he had ordered. Waited 45 minutes. Was not impressed.
3. What’s the longest time that you’ve waited to have sex the first time with someone? Tell us why you waited.
With Andrew. He was my first serious boyfriend. Made him wait 20 months before we had sex. Then he got jealous when Husband and I had sex after only being together for 3 weeks.
4. What’s the longest time that you’ve not gone out on the town? Tell us when and what happened.
That’d be currently. I haven’t been out on the town for a good year or so. Always something else to do. Or I’m just too tired.
5. What’s the longest time that you’ve worked without a break. Tell us what your job was and why did it happen.
At my last job. Worked in a show store, Rubino’s, where they did not allow breaks on Saturdays. Opened from 9-5, but we weren’t allowed having lunch, simply because we were too busy. (Load of BS, that one!) It’s amazing that even though at my current place of work we are busier than I’ve ever been at the shoe store, yet they always make sure we get to eat. Longest work week without a break would be at the smae shoe store, when I was scheduled 10 days in a row. When I made it known that I did not appreciate that, she told me to find another job if I didn’t like it. So I did.
6. What’s the longest time that you’ve not posted on your blog? Tell us when and why.
Recently. Been awhile since I’ve made an actual post. No point if I haven’t anything nice to say.
7. What’s the longest time that you’ve been on the computer? Tell us what you were doing.
When I got a new computer game from Husband…played at least 12 hours straight.
8. What’s the longest time that you’ve waited for a friend? Tell us when and what happened.
I’m sure there was a situation that I waited, just can’t recall.
9. What’s the longest time that you’ve gone without food? Tell us when and why.
Prolly no more than a day. I like my food. It’s a deep love.

Then: August 1999

1. Age: 14 years old.

2. Romantic Status: I was single.

3. Occupation: Babysitting.

4. Fun night out: Prolly be shopping, or seeing a movie with my friends.

5. My BFFs: Grade nine would have me friends with Amy, Steph, Amanda, Jen.

6. I spent way too much time: Out, as my mother would complain.

7. I spent not enough time: Having quality time with my family.

8. I wanted to be when I grew up: A pathologist.

9. Biggest concern: Boys.

10. What my biggest concern should have been: I was actually doing quite well in school, so I really hadn’t any concerns.

11. Where did I live: On the same street that I been living on since I was 4.

12. Dumbest thing I did that year: Got my friend to ask out a guy, instead of manning up and doing it myself.

13. If I could go back now and talk to myself I would say: Have confidence in yourself…most find that to be the most attractive.

14. Picture of me then: I’ll see if I can’t get my scanner to work.

Now: August 2009

1. Age: 24 years old.

2. Romantic Status: Married.

3. Occupation: Head cashier.

4. Fun night out: Still with friends.

5. My BFFs: Would be my husband…yeah, yeah corny.

6. I spend way too much time: On my ass.

7. I spend not enough time: Going out.

8. I want to be when I grow up: Still want to be a pathologist.

9. Biggest concern: The usual…finances.

10. What my biggest concern should be: Finances.

11. Where do I live: In an apartment 3 cities over from where I grew up.

12. Dumbest thing I have done this year: Not getting eloped.

13. What I think I would say to myself in 10 years: Enjoy your twenties, and keep up with the confidence.

Summary:

1. What do I miss most from 1999: Dorky of me to say, but I miss high school.

2. What do I miss least from 1999: Certain people from high school.

3. What have I accomplished in 10 years that I am most proud of: Becoming more confident in myself. I still have my moments of uncertainty, but overall I am happier with myself.

4. What have I NOT accomplished in 10 years that I wish I had:  Finished college.

I get pregnant and I give up everything. Caffeine, cat box duty (not sorry to have seen that chore go ), cold cuts…I read the bloody boxes to make sure there’s nothing in it that off limits. And for what? Bloody sod all. I miscarry. Yes, I know that I was only seven weeks on, and that these bloody things happen very frequently, but I was trying so hard. And then my sister waltz’s in, barefoot and pregnant without a care in the world. Taking everything for granted.

Now, while I would never wish harm on anyone, much less a loved one…this has gotten me frustrated.

I thought I had gotten over it. And for the most part I have. I mean, I haven’t any problem with my sister’s actual pregnancy. Nor with women walking by pregnant, or my niece. (She’s absolutely precious.) Just, this afternoon, it was like salt in the wound. Like fate is having a great ol’ laugh at our expense. No matter how hard I try, it’s just one screw you after another.

Everything happens for a reason. Anyway, on to today’s Unconscious Mutterings, and Sunday Stealing. Yes, my dear friends…a whole lot of memes this evening.

1. Who was your FIRST date?
First date would have been Andrew.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Yup. Still occasionally gets on my nerves as well.
3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
A berry flavoured drink at the bus stop. Took on sip and gave it back promptly. Stuff was kinda nasty.
4. What was your FIRST job?
At a photocopying store.
5. What was your FIRST car?
Still have yet to get it.
6. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
Not yet.
7. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Prolly would be Stephanie. Occasionally.
8. Whose wedding did you attend the FIRST time?
First wedding I attended was my Aunts & Uncles. Don’t remember a thing (I was about 6ish.) Only know I went for a photo that was taking on the church steps.
9. Tell us about your FIRST roommate.
Went to high school together. She was the one who introduced me to my Husband.
10. If you had one wish, what would it be (other than more wishes)?
To stop thsi roller coaster. Thing goes right, two things go wrong. Then again, that’s life for you.
11. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
A skill trade; carpentry most likely.
12. Did you marry the FIRST person you were in love with?
Nope…didn’t love Andrew the same way as I love Hubby.
13. What were the first lessons you ever took and why?
Lessons as in…The very first ones would have been in pre-school. I had been an only child up to that point, and they wanted to make sure I got along with the other kids.
14. What is the first thing you do when you get home?
Get comfortable. Which usually entails me getting out of my clothes and into something less visitor friendly – like a t-shirt and a pair of sweats.

So, now that I am back, I am in such a mood to catch up with all my missed memes. Better late then never, right?

Saturday 9: Fast Car

1. What’s the furthest trip you’ve taken by automobile?
That would have to be the trip that I took to Toronto with Hubby to see NIN for our anniversary.
2. What’s the worst pick up line you’ve ever received?
‘You come here often?’
3. What’s the best pick up line you’ve gotten?
It wasn’t so much a pick up line; my hubby (boyfriend at the time) is never very good with emotions, like me. One night, we were in the car when a song came on and he said that it was describing exactly how I made him feel. “I’ve found out a reason for me / To change who I used to be”
4. What was the last gift that you received?
That would be our wedding gifts.
5. What was the last gift that you gave someone?
Hubby his wedding ring.
6. Tell us about the last time you cried.
Tuesday (the 21st). I had been doing so well, when suddenly while talking to Hubby I lost it. I couldn’t help it.
7. Tell us about the last time you laughed uncontrollably.
Don’t know exactly when, but I know it was prolly because of something silly Hubby was doing.
8. Do you suffer road rage? What are your thoughts on it?
Don’t drive. I think it’s a waste of time; getting yourself worked up over someone else’s actions doesn’t actually make the traffic move faster, people pay more attention or get you to your destination quicker.
9. What’s one of your favorite movie quotes?
None come to mind, but I’d have to say anything from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.